everything is everything? [453]

have been thinking about this subject a lot last week and especially since meeting up again with the sort-of-boyfriend (click here).
i stopped seeing him when I quit drinking about 450 moons ago and it seemed like i only could do that because i was out of the circle of booze. round and round and round i went. with the booze, and with him.

a month ago or so he contacted me out of the blue and since then we’ve met up a couple of times. the sex is great. this time it’s sober sex for me, which actually is a new experience and even better ;-).
but i feel it’s exactly going where it was before. i want more of him than he wants (can) to give and it makes me insecure, dependent, wobbly.

here the everything is everything (thank you belle) comes in: it so looks like drinking, wanting to feel good, drinking, too much, wanting to stop, feeling shit about it, promise not to drink, drink, feeling shit etc.

i woke up this morning feeling shit. strong thoughts about him and ending the thing we have because i know he will not change and never give me what i want (wasn’t that the promise of booze too?)

i want somebody who truly likes me and wants me!
i want whole-hear-ted love!
i want to make somebody happy too!

last night i made the decision to stop it. IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

note – this time i’m not angry or overly sad. it is what it is and it isn’t there.
another note – the over-thinker in me is busy full stop (“but he did nice things for you, didn’t he?” “may be this is his way of showing love, who are you to judge it’s not enough?” “you are reading him wrong!” “he just can’t say i love you” etc)
last note – even taking the over-thinking in consideration, i feel strong

roots

 

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thankful on day [419]

hi there, long time no see, just hopping by to let you know that i am good and that living a sober life IS good.

i felt the need to share a story:
went out with friends on friday night to see a band and may be have a boogie. this didn’t happen for a long time.
i had a great night. lovely catchups with my friends, a great band, a big boogie on my behalf (obviously i have became so relaxed that i don’t need booze to be able to dance).

then another friend of mine walked in. her state was beyond drunk. she was mumbling incoherent irrelevant sentences, had lost her bag and i wonder if she even realised where and with whom she was.

i felt so sorry for her. this was me over a year ago. hardly able to talk. no sense. complete out of control.

i decided to leave her a bit by herself but kept an eye out. tried to find her bag which we found in the end and drove her home when the music was over. on the way i had to stop to get her some fastfood and in the car she sort of chatted and had a laugh with my other friends.

today i briefly met up with her as i had found her purse under my passenger seat. she had no clue i had given her a lift home. had lost her memory for a big chunk of the evening. nada. blacked out.

i feel so sorry for her. what a waste of a weekend. of energy. the panic. the sorrow. the hatred. i must not forget BECAUSE this was me over a year go.

and i wish she gets out of course. it’s a horrible depressing life.

no title [377]

just a quick one – and mainly because i have a burning question.

suppose you are happily sober for over a year. suppose you go out for dinner with two of your best friends who support you in this matter. suppose you are the advocate for happy-non-drinking, so you order a lovely bottle of sparkling water. suppose you are thankful for every day you wake up fresh headed. suppose you are really proud of yourself doing this. suppose you are now a person who goes out for a run after work, or who picked up tennis, who was brave enough to engage in estranged family relations again. suppose you have lost quite a few kg’s and look very very healthy again. suppose you are amazed with all the things you have achieved over the last year.

do you have this picture in your mind?

then here’s my question:
why am i grumpy for not being able to drink?
i should be overly grateful.
not grumpy at all.

a lousy blogger [362]

that’s what i am but i’m glad that i’m a great non-drinker πŸ˜‰

i had the pleasure of having a three week holiday which i spent with one of my best and oldest friends (and because we are living in different countries we only meet up about every three years). we were together for 24/7 and laughed, talked, shopped, tramped, cried, swam, cooked and enjoyed each other’s company.

reaching nearly 365 days sober and her being one of my biggest fans, her observations were very welcome. according to her i have changed tremendously: being way more relaxed, highly energetic, less impulsive, very resourceful.

i think i’ll take them all πŸ˜‰

note: and yes, there were a couple of difficult moments alcohol wise. those other trampers that bought and shared three bottles of wine after a long days walk. my friend who had a wine when dining out which lasted her an hour (an hour (!), just drink it fcs!). some four o’clocks after a intense day of doing stuff. being together 24/7 is also tiring. think i fixed those by removing myself a bit, no talking, explaining, exploring, thinking. just nothing.

how to handle drama? [342]

alone

i don’t think i have found a proper way yet to handle the little drama’s in my own little life. i feel the current drama with my youngest brother is so unjust that my heart is racing, from sadness, hurt, anger.

i know what i would have done if this had happened in the past, most likely i had now opened my second bottle of wine, while doing that i would have called friends and told them all about it and would have cried and would be lingering in self pity.
in the end i probably would have taken it all on me. all my fault. me bad. you are right. i will be better next time.

i can’t do it any more.
not the booze, but not the blame or guilt either.

is it wrong to think i can not change what somebody else think of me?

(the difficult part is that i think the above is sort of correct but my mind keeps swinging between both guilt/wanting to fix/aka hard to let go)

just a big thanks [306]

to all you

great, courageous, open, brave and lovely people

for being here, sharing your stories, backing me up, giving me courage and making me feel part of a great courageous open brave and lovely group of people.

thanking you all.
mwah!

things I have recently said [279]

I am in this period of my life where I have the need to fix things

(when searching for a solution for the missing chain of the plug of the kitchen basin)

not drinking is becoming the new normal

(when asked if I still did not touch the booze and how that was going)

I love running, especially after work

(after telling myself for years I hated running)

during the weekends I enjoy being with myself and I need some downtime from being around people

(when discussing life with a friend)