a bad sort-of-ex-boyfriend relationship feels similar to quitting the booze.
i seriously had a day one (checking the phone every five mins,”may be i find a bouquet of flowers when i get home”, “shall i text him or not”, sitting on my hands – do not text him! and so on and in other words – obsessed with what i am trying to ban out of my life)
it’s now nearly a week and i get those thoughts. they go like this: “but it wasn’t that bad”, “as long as you don’t fall in love again there’s no risk seeing him now and then”, “maybe he does turn around one day, maybe this is how he shows his love”, “we would really make a good couple, if only …” (see what i am doing here? big similarities with what some people call the wine witch and others wolfie)
so. thus. i have decided i am allowed to be a bit sad today (just a bit – and may be it is not even about him, but just about the feeling i’ve lost something, the hope, the love i felt). oh. and i also bought ice cream, cookies and promised myself a glorious time in the tub.
because i am worth it!
have been thinking about this subject a lot last week and especially since meeting up again with the sort-of-boyfriend (click here).
i stopped seeing him when I quit drinking about 450 moons ago and it seemed like i only could do that because i was out of the circle of booze. round and round and round i went. with the booze, and with him.
a month ago or so he contacted me out of the blue and since then we’ve met up a couple of times. the sex is great. this time it’s sober sex for me, which actually is a new experience and even better ;-).
but i feel it’s exactly going where it was before. i want more of him than he wants (can) to give and it makes me insecure, dependent, wobbly.
here the everything is everything (thank you belle) comes in: it so looks like drinking, wanting to feel good, drinking, too much, wanting to stop, feeling shit about it, promise not to drink, drink, feeling shit etc.
i woke up this morning feeling shit. strong thoughts about him and ending the thing we have because i know he will not change and never give me what i want (wasn’t that the promise of booze too?)
i want somebody who truly likes me and wants me!
i want whole-hear-ted love!
i want to make somebody happy too!
last night i made the decision to stop it. IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
note – this time i’m not angry or overly sad. it is what it is and it isn’t there.
another note – the over-thinker in me is busy full stop (“but he did nice things for you, didn’t he?” “may be this is his way of showing love, who are you to judge it’s not enough?” “you are reading him wrong!” “he just can’t say i love you” etc)
last note – even taking the over-thinking in consideration, i feel strong
fresh – new – steady growing – vulnerable – hopeful – curious – loveable – joyful
hope you are all good – and my special best wishes to Anne.
stay strong, take good care. x