i couldn’t quite get what is bothering me.
haven’t been feeling great last week(s) after the initial i-am-so-pleased-with-myself-because-i-am-not-drinking phase.

am doing all the normal stuff, going to work during the day, do my regular things at night – choir Monday, soccer Wednesday, movies Thursday etc. went for walks over the weekends, played regular games on Saturday, started with some yoga before going to sleep, met up with a couple of friends here and there and so on.

but i feel flat and tired although i have the best sleeps ever.
am tired of my head and the constant, constant! thinking. and over thinking.

i guess i miss my friend.
i feel alone and lonely.

i know i shouldn’t call booze my friend but that’s how it feels at the moment.

(having said that i’ll finish my tea and go to bed and maybe cry a little)

just checking in (at day 55)

day 55!
unbelievable – who would have thought that I was capable doing that…not ME!

still very happy with this decision and sailing along with good night sleeps, a clear mind every day, increased body fitness and more awareness everywhere.

that last part is also a bit scary – the awareness, realisations and the clear head.
tiring too, thinking, thinking, thinking instead of floating away in a “winy” nothingness, dreams, things that could have been.

but again.

I thank God for my clear head.


anger management without drinking?

so I am angry, very angry.
would love to cry – that’s how angry I am.
I think that crying is stupid though, this situation doesn’t deserve tears just anger.
so then I am angry again and got a headache because of it and have this knot in my stomach all day.

my normal strategy would be disappear in enough wine to not remember anything of this shitty evening, shitty day, shitty guy who disappointed me so much and makes me feel so angry.
i would love to disappear because I don’t want to feel to those feelings.

again. this is my Achilles heel.

is there somebody out there who recognises this, has some advice?


just for the record

after my dip last week I’ve felt most of the time good, content, relaxed, rested and active.

have made some beautiful long (climbing) walks in my beautiful area last couple of days and enjoyed every single (sweaty) moment.
joy pure joy.

on day 42 I thank myself for my clear head.