pissed off

Just got off the phone with a sort-of-ex-boyfriend and being very annoyed.

Will spare you all the details how he became a sort-of-ex-boyfriend but who the f*** is he telling me how hard my life has been the last couple of years (moving to a different continent, married to and divorced from a conman, death of my dad, getting involved with him who wasn’t really looking for a relationship anyway) and why I am so hard on myself making the decision not to drink for a while.

WHILST he had obviously drunk his fair share of booze today.

Telling me how nice it is to have a drink after work or this or that just to take the edge of…telling me it is better to have a drink after all the shit I have been through because I don’t deserve all that shit.
Isn’t that funny…

After thinking about it for a while I think he’s totally right, the last six years have been quite demanding and stressful and painful. And yes I think the time has come to finally see things how they were and not hiding those feelings by drinking 1 to 2 bottles a night.

Stupid me still hoped something could grow between us after he suddenly knocked on my door again after a two month silence. Secretly hoping and leaving the door open a little bit, just a little.

Tonight it looks like he helped me closing the door for good.

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31 days…the spell has gone

I have been home sick for 2 days now and longing for something to drink.
Looks like the spell of being happy with my decision is broken – and that started last Sunday.

Guess this has mainly to do with not feeling good or not liking to feel angry.

Sunday my neighbours did some work in my garden (to save their gutter which was overgrown with my ivy). I made very clear they shouldn’t touch the beautiful bougainvillea – well, they could touch it – but leave the flowers etc.
I left my house because of the noise of the chainsaw and when I was at my friends place I got at text they had taken her down completely. I felt very angry and powerless and angry again and really wanted to go straight to the shop and buy some wine.

Now I’m sick at home and did not go to work and have headaches and am sneezing and am getting bored and am annoyed when people call me and talk for a long time about themselves and annoyed when they give me tips and I do not want to talk about myself and feel pity for myself and feel guilty cause I am not sure if I am really so sick and above all I feel like having a bottle of wine so I can stop feeling annoyed and lonely and not understood and sick.

Bottom line is I want to feel good because then I am okay with not drinking.

Haha. Wake me up. Guess this is crucial.

angry

almost 21 days

It’s a lovely sunny Sunday and I woke up refreshed and clear headed. I am so happy with my mornings still, no nausea, not having to check my phone to see who I have texted and/or called last night without remembering, no guilty feelings about what a bad person I am…
It really is the other way around, I feel positive opposed to depressed and energetic instead of very tired.

So that brings me again to the question – why does this seems kind of easy? I hardly have had cravings, a few of course, sort of out of habit I guess but not really. Probably the one thing I find the most difficult (and have been avoiding until now) is going out for dinner (let alone going out for a dance).

Oh wait – I did one last Thursday but had it well orchestrated, meeting up with a friend in a restaurant for about one hour and then off to the movies. She had a wine and I drank water. I did not explain a thing and oddly enough she didn’t question me either. I had expected she would.

She – or the last party I went to – was more or less the drop in the bucket. She threw a wedding party and I had already emptied a bottle of bubbles before I took a cab (how sensible) to get there. Free booze at the party and of course I ate a little. I remember I danced and danced, declared my love (and told everybody) to a guy I vaguely know and who didn’t bring his partner (sic!). As I was the last person to leave and obviously drunk, the newly wedded couple decided to put me in a cab and made sure I opened my door safely. I hardly could walk without falling.
At home I think I drank another wine and fell against a doorpost and hurt my elbow quite mean. Of course next day I felt really ashamed and texted them my gratitude for bringing me home safely but I was very afraid I had ruined their party and they would never see me again.

That was my last bad appearance drunk in public.
I have more of these on my sleeve but for now that’s enough as I’m starting to feel a bit sad.

To end this post on a positive note, this is day 21, I went out for dinner without a drink and I did it without major issues. Hallelujah.

Have a lovely Sunday xx

12th is gone

what the hell is going on?

why am I feeling so happy, strong, good, relieved, convinced? shouldn’t I be struggling, pulling my hair out, be depressed, crying all the time?

I am not – and I don’t understand it.

the main thing I feel is freedom.