for me the hardest part [720]

feelingfree

of this in every single way better-calmer-more stable-relaxed and active sober way of living is dealing with negative thoughts and feelings.

i realise i have come a long way – nearly 2 years (!) sober – and finally decided that i needed some guidance and help in two area’s in my life.

  1. how to deal with non pleasant feelings?
    (my whole life i have tried to avoid them, in chronological order: smoking, smoking the green stuff, not eating, over eating, drinking and there must be some other ways i used along the way)
  2. how to be in a healthy relationship with a healthy guy?
    (instead of the usual “i am partly available and you have to work hard to keep me – sort of guy”)

and i’m happy with that, happy that i am finally finding out why i was so stuck in drinking and that i am working out/learning how to do things different.

wish you all the same xx

 

end of the year post [677]

sobriety is not the destination. it’s a tool to get you on the road to happiness.

rosesstars

i stole it from read the sentence on sober sassy’s blog and YES said my brain, that’s a good way of describing what i am doing. because indeed, this year i have been struggling, it has not all been moonshine and roses but all in all i am pretty pleased with the progress and changes in my life.

december is the month of lists so here goes – my year in a list and things i am happy with/proud of/discovered/made progress with. i would have loved to come up with 365 things but i will not bore you πŸ™‚

  1. i cleaned my face and brushed my teeth before going to bed 364 times
  2. i had 365 non-hangover sleeps
  3. my concentration at work has improved
  4. my behavior at work is friendlier
  5. i looked for and found a therapist
  6. i am a happy regular runner (whilst i hated that with a passion)
  7. i (minimised) stopped gossiping
  8. i treated myself to three weekly massages
  9. i started playing tennis
  10. i am part of a weekly tennis team that plays in a competition
  11. i rediscovered the joy of yoga
  12. i am learning to be more honest
  13. i am learning to connect head and body
  14. i rediscovered the joy of reading books
  15. i like tea
  16. i made decisions and stood by them
  17. i am more accepting of myself
  18. i made plans
  19. i made plans and executed them
  20. i discovered i like plants
  21. and cooking
  22. my moods are getting lighter and more even
  23. i love my “stay here”bracelet
  24. i had 52 non-hangover saturdays and sundays
  25. i like to care for myself and do not find that selfish
  26. i start to like my body
  27. i am a tough cookie with a strong down talking inner voice
  28. i love wearing colorful feminine clothes
  29. i still like buying shoes
  30. 90% cocoa chocolate is the bomb
  31. i am starting to accept that life is not about quick fixes nor always-ever-lasting-happiness
  32. and being bored sometimes is okay
  33. it turned out i do have a sweet tooth

i have a little voice in my head that softly sings that next year is even going to get better. and you know what: i am trusting that voice. 2017 is going to be my year to shine.

and for you out there – i wish you exactly that, that 2017 may be your year – to shine and discover your good self!

 

surviving xmas [672]

i’m not a big xmas person – think it’s an overrated hysterical event although i do like the days off work that go with it πŸ˜‰

for years and years i have celebrated xmas with friends, as the family dynamics were not that flash and the diner would end up with heated discussions, quarrels, tears, shame and too much booze of course.

my xmas’s with friends were also with too much booze and other stupid things, but at least no fights.

anyhow. it was my second sober xmas day yesterday and i went over to friends, armed with a salad and apple cake. they had invited a lot of people so there was a nice mix of kids, aquintances and family. celebrating a kiwi xmas is different than what i’m used to, it’s outside, its way more relaxed and unofficial tho boozing is the same.

i made it through it all with an alcohol free beer equivalent, a couple of real nice talks and a bit of kid time. at 8 pm (it started around 3.30) i felt it was enough and coincidentally just then the whiskey bottle came out of the cupboard.

i felt a bit weird when leaving, the party pooper, the not fun person, the boring one. a couple of hours later pics emerged of the same event on FB, all about boozing after i left.

i still feel a bit weird.

666

hello my fellow dear helpful brave sober friends. 

yes i’m still here, yes i do read yours and react but do not write here, yes i’ve struggled with life, yes i still love the fresh morning wake ups, yes i love i have more peace and space in my brain, yes i’m still not a fan of the xmas hysteria and yes i’m celebrating day 666.

wishing you all well!

black, white, grey … anyone? [579]

as long as i’ve known myself i do things black or white. it is the one or the other but if i do the one – i find it hard to regulate. guess it’s all or nothing.

my history in this area has many of them: smoking (3x yrs), smoking the green stuff, not eating, over eating, fretting about what others think of me, filling in other one’s thoughts and let’s not forget the booze.

i’ve been able to overcome quite a few of the above but some behaviour i can not seem to get rid of.

do you recognise this as a boozer? is this common ground for us? is something defo wrong with me?

how do i stop this?

it’s not a secret [538]

but one of the things I enjoy most – whilst growing into the person I was supposed to be in the first place – is the joy of waking up with a fresh clear head. no anxiety, shame, fuzziness, feeling sick … two open eyes, a clear mind, the ability to do with ever I want … not held back by any of the above. pure bliss.

I wished I had known this earlier. I wish that current boozers knew about this. it is magic. 

feeling bleh [511]

conclusion of the last month: moderation does not work.

as everything is like everything … this goes for love or booze and probably whatever.

no. I haven’t slipped up – still going (see title) – but am feeling flat as a pancake. and I know it’s because I try to moderate my feelings. the love I feel for that guy. the hope on something that lasts. dreams of what could be. if only. if only.

am sad and angry (I think) because it does not seem to work and I am keep trying. 

why do I do this to myself?

leaving…[461]

leaving

a bad sort-of-ex-boyfriend relationship feels similar to quitting the booze.

i seriously had a day one (checking the phone every five mins,”may be i find a bouquet of flowers when i get home”, “shall i text him or not”, sitting on my hands – do not text him! and so on and in other words – obsessed with what i am trying to ban out of my life)

it’s now nearly a week and i get those thoughts. they go like this: “but it wasn’t that bad”, “as long as you don’t fall in love again there’s no risk seeing him now and then”, “maybe he does turn around one day, maybe this is how he shows his love”, “we would really make a good couple, if only …” (see what i am doing here? big similarities with what some people call the wine witch and others wolfie)

so. thus. i have decided i am allowed to be a bit sad today (just a bit – and may be it is not even about him, but just about the feeling i’ve lost something, the hope, the love i felt). oh. and i also bought ice cream, cookies and promised myself a glorious time in the tub.

because i am worth it!

everything is everything? [453]

have been thinking about this subject a lot last week and especially since meeting up again with the sort-of-boyfriend (click here).
i stopped seeing him when I quit drinking about 450 moons ago and it seemed like i only could do that because i was out of the circle of booze. round and round and round i went. with the booze, and with him.

a month ago or so he contacted me out of the blue and since then we’ve met up a couple of times. the sex is great. this time it’s sober sex for me, which actually is a new experience and even better ;-).
but i feel it’s exactly going where it was before. i want more of him than he wants (can) to give and it makes me insecure, dependent, wobbly.

here the everything is everything (thank you belle) comes in: it so looks like drinking, wanting to feel good, drinking, too much, wanting to stop, feeling shit about it, promise not to drink, drink, feeling shit etc.

i woke up this morning feeling shit. strong thoughts about him and ending the thing we have because i know he will not change and never give me what i want (wasn’t that the promise of booze too?)

i want somebody who truly likes me and wants me!
i want whole-hear-ted love!
i want to make somebody happy too!

last night i made the decision to stop it. IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

note – this time i’m not angry or overly sad. it is what it is and it isn’t there.
another note – the over-thinker in me is busy full stop (“but he did nice things for you, didn’t he?” “may be this is his way of showing love, who are you to judge it’s not enough?” “you are reading him wrong!” “he just can’t say i love you” etc)
last note – even taking the over-thinking in consideration, i feel strong

roots